Pre-Birthday Love

One week until my baby tuns one. Four days until my big kid turns three.

This has been the fastest year of my life.

A year ago, I couldn’t imagine my life with two children or how to possibly love another child the way I love Julian. But here I am; I’ve made it through the first year of Arthur’s life intact, strong, happy – and full of love.

I love this little boy so much. The love for him is so pure, untainted by the daily struggle. It is primal. Smelling his neck, kissing his cheeks and his chubby thighs, nursing him. Smooching him is never an option. It’s more like I must kiss him, right this second.

ImageArthur is so full of life, such a wild child. He runs everywhere and loves being chased by his big brother. He is strong-willed and determined and so so funny. He makes us laugh every day.

I never tire of holding him. I wish there were more minutes in the day dedicated to just holding Arthur. But my child is too busy to sit for long. There are books to pull off the shelves, Cheerios to pick off the floor, cabinets to open and things to taste-test everywhere. He will come to me for a 5 second hug or rest his head in my lap or against my shoulder briefly.

My love for Julian is just as fierce, but more complicated. He is a strong person, and a complicated one. He is loved with all that I am and all that I have. My love is never tested, but it is often stretched. He is an easy child to love. He is the kindest person I know. He truly is. And he is so sensitive. I want to protect his heart always. Keep him whole. I know deep down that I can’t, that I have to let him fall and learn how to get up on his own. But for as long as he wants it, there will always be my hand ready to help him. To guide him, to keep him safe.

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This kid is smart as a whip. Strangers often comment when they observe him, and his school teachers have all told us how bright he is. To me he is just incredible. He surprises me all the time.

He is an introverted boy and very much into his own world. He plays elaborate games with his trains and mini coopers. Sometimes I hide around the corner and listen to his play.

Julian is all boy. He isn’t interested in coloring much. He wants to run around, jump, play. Watching him and his brother is my greatest joy. Running, laughing, chasing each other. I love when Julian talks to Arthur and shows him things when we’re out and about. My favorite is when they are in their beds and I can hear them giggle, sing, and talk.

Arthur adores Julian so completely. He is hands down his favorite person. His face lights up when he sees his brother; Julian can make Arthur laugh with no effort at all. I can already tell that they have a very special bond.

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Of course Julian is also many other things: loud, disobedient, challenging. More on that another time! But I’ll gladly take our daily moments of struggle for the good the amazing he brings into our lives.

So there. The first week of May will forever be emotional for me. Bring on the birthdays.

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